Imagine a man who says he hates when people soil themselves. This man has chained people to beds and connected them to IVs so that they are constantly receiving liquid into their bodies. These people inevitably end up soiling themselves over and over again. Would anyone believe the man’s claim that he hates it when people soil themselves?
In a similar vein:
The best way to understand Calvinism, is via some jokes about it.
Here are a couple of my favorites:
A Baptist Man, a Pentecostal Woman, and a Calvinist all die and get to the gates of Heaven.
Peter tells them, “You’ve all done well, but to get into Heaven I am going to need to interview each of you in private to make sure your qualified.”
At this point the Baptist and Pentecostal are sweating bullets. Peter chooses the Baptist to go first. So, they go into a small room and are in there for 6 hours. The Pentecostal lady knows that if the Baptist man is having this hard of a time she really must be in trouble. Finally, after the six hours, the Baptist comes out and goes “Whew, I made it.”
Still, nervous the Pentecostal Lady takes her turn and goes in. After 12 hours the Baptist Guy was starting to wonder if she would pass, but sure enough she comes out and says “Whew, I made it.”
The Calvinist confidently walks into the room and shuts the door behind him. He’s in there for over 24 hours and the Pentecostal and Baptist are really starting to wonder what the heck is going on.
Finally, St. Peter comes out and says, “Whew, I made it!”
So Bill dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter is giving him the tour.
They walk by this group of people hanging out with the Virgin Mary and a couple of saints. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.
“Oh, that’s the Catholics.” St. Peter tells him.
The continue walking and pass another group of people who are rolling on the ground and speaking in tongues. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.
“Oh, that’s the Pentecostals.” St. Peter tells him.
Then they come across to a huge mansion and St. Peter makes Bill duck down and sneak very quietly beneath the windows and then they continue walking. “Who’s in there??” Bill asks.
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “That’s the Calvinists, they think they’re the only ones here.”
A Calvinist dies and finds himself at a crossroads where there are two signs pointing down two different roads. One says in big letters “Predestination Believers” and the other says “Free Will Believers”. Being a Calvinist and believing in predestination he takes the predestination road. He walks down the road and comes to a huge golden door with the word PREDESTINATION written above it. He knocks and an an angel opens the door and asks “what brings you to my door”? The Calvinist answers, “there were two signs and I chose the one that says predestination. The angel says, “You chose it?” “Well then, you can’t come in” And he slams the door shut. The Calvinist is crushed and walks back to crossroads where the two signs are. He goes down the free will road and comes to another huge gold door with the words FREE WILL written above it. Another angel opens the door and asks “What brings you to my door?” And the Calvinist says, “I had no choice !”