Most of my adult has has been one giant cycle of up and downs. There will be periods of managing stress via coping with activities followed by periods of “Nothing matters in life”. My wife pointed out that every time around this year, I start to gain weight and lose motivation. She is absolutely correct. Most people decide to fatten up a little in the winter, and lose it in the spring. But I am the opposite. I somehow find the desire and motivation to improve my life towards the end of the fall, through winter and when spring comes, I tend to fall back into a lazy period.
Weight is just one example, however. But, I started looking into it. I think differently than most people, I am well aware of this. I make jumps of logic that make total sense to me, but that others cannot follow, because I found a shortcut and didn’t explain it. So often others are not sure how I came to my conclusion. Yet, I could go back and explain, but I typically don’t, nor take the time. Because, well, it just isn’t worth it to me. For example, in math. My mother would be going through math homework with me and I would skip the answer, because I did much of it in my head. I would blurt out the answer and she would say “No, and then work out the next few steps and arrive at yes, how did you know?” She didn’t make the connection until she finished out all the steps in the equation. I decided to shortcut based on what I saw to come up with the answer, hence not showing my work. No, I am not some prodigy, I just think in a different way and am always looking for a more efficient way to go about a problem.
I am hyper focused to the point that I can completely ignore others while I am writing and typing or doing some activity. I am almost “Never” there when people talk to me, they think I am out to lunch. I interrupt people when they say something that triggers my memory, because I won’t remember if I don’t tell them.
I get bored extremely easy. I only like to do complex things. When I research, I dedicate hours with no break.
I come to discover these are all signs of ADD. I was raised by a mother who believes all forms of mental illness are spiritually related and the drugs are not the solution. I took a negative view of them and never considered them. That is changing, however, as I see just how non-functional I am during these cycles of the year.
The only time I have freedom from this condition (I am constantly agitated, low motivation to do something unless there is a deadline) is when I eat ultra healthy, eliminate caffeine and sugar and exercise like a bandit. I dieted down to 7% BF this winter, got ultra lean and fit, even to the point of others saying “Are you a triathlete?”… No, sorry, just a gym rat. But I was hyperfocused on one thing and one thing only: The best, fittest and leanest possible version of myself. Well, of course, biology gets in the way, hunger rebounds, burn-out comes and over the course of the next few months I creep back up to 15-18% BF and lose much of my athletic ability. I am eating way more than I should, even though I know I should not (must be coping) and I have zero motivation in life. I am literally a worthless pile of crap. I work my 40 hours job, play with my kids when I get home and just sleep and waste time doing nothing. I have no desire to do anything. I don’t want to exercise ever again. I don’t want to play games. I only get off the couch to play with my son because he asks me too. If it were up to me, I’d sleep and sleep and sleep.
There is absolutely no doubt that I have ADD. I guess my question is this: Does anyone here have experience with SSRI’s or dealing with this type of mental health issue? I don’t have a lot of faith in the Mental Health industry, because it seems like much of it is ‘trial and error’ and though I appreciate the fact that it is a practice, I don’t want to screw my life up worse than it is. I just want a normal life where I don’t always seek out hyper stimulation. I am always going from one ultra focused activity to another and am very agitated just sitting around. I perform my best when I am pressured and under the gun. But with no pressure, I am lazy and reclusive. Unfortunately, people think “Just get up and do something”… It doesn’t work like that. I equate it with this: Imagine running as fast as you can in the 100m. Do that 3-4 times. Eventually you will become so exhausted that you can’t/won’t run. That is how I feel. It isn’t that I couldn’t do something if someone put a gun to my head, it is that, practically speaking, I have no energy to do it. Only adrenaline will give me this energy, hence gun to head would get me going. No gun? Then, no way. I am sitting here being non-productive.