Last night (or should I say this morning) I was having a hard time falling asleep, and I felt very anxious, and because I was sleep deprived and out of it, I felt pretty vulnerable.
But even though I felt pretty far away from God at the time, I prayed for help, though in a broken and haphazard way, and eventually fell asleep.
At some point I dreamed. I think the dream took place on some campground, and I was a kid, at least initially, and there was a lot of indoor swimming pools. Then later, at my current age, I was sitting in a room with a bunch of other people, watching something on TV. I made some stupid comments trying to be funny (can’t remember what exactly) and it offended everyone there, especially one guy, who kind of went crazy, and when I tried to apologize, touching him on the shoulder, he just went off on me and totally cut himself off from me, going so far as to build a little closed off section in the middle of the room we were in to keep away from me.
I felt really lost and confused, didn’t know what to say or do, but I felt the need to walk outside, to walk out under the stars and try to find some peace…
And when I did, suddenly my fiancee Kaylyn was with me at my side, and we were walking together under the stars… and I started to feel a little better.
And then I woke up.
Or at least that’s how I remember it. 
Anyways, what I took from this is that I have a lot of anxiety deep down about being disconnected from God and others, and often feel like I’m no good at relating to God or others, or at least not nearly as good as I could be or should be.
But there at the end, there I was starting to walk under the stars with Kaylyn…
I think the stars were symbolic of my relationship with God, and Kaylyn is representative of my relationships with others…
And for some reason, thinking about that when I woke up gave me hope.
Also, I was flipping through my old journal, and ran across an old poem I’ve mine that I felt led to share here.
I’ve revised it a little to improve the flow, but otherwise the message is the same.
Here it is:
Sky blue, sky blue,
green leaves, and sleeves
of my arms, mirror
and shell, hands,
skin and bone and blood…
I own not the days,
the waters, the ways
of a beating heart,
and my desire
cannot conquer thee,
nor my pride
capture thee…
And yet you frighten me,
and I feel lost, lost
in the barrens of all that is wrong,
in a desert of tears…
can I trust, can I touch,
the healing wounds and scars?
Are the stars your fingerprints,
hope-lights,
candles in the dark?
But the deep cuts of shame,
and all that is vain, can you erase,
can you clean,
can you touch the universe
within?
Wrists struck,
and I am struck too,
by your bold undercurrents
of love,
at darkest day’s end,
whispered through basement windows,
while children laugh out on the streets,
twirling and dancing,
amidst white star-falling blankets
of snow…
Forgiveness,
forgiveness…
oh why do you weep?
And why do I, why do I,
feeling so small, and so shallow,
and yet you remain,
to keep my heart
beating,
beating?
Fears like thunder rumble,
in my questions I stumble,
in my pain I crumble…
and yet your wounds and scars
tell a story,
of what words cannot tell,
shared,
of the broken mended,
and of children,
who were lost in dark places,
awaking to wonder,
awaking to you…
I hope this is all a blessing to you guys, as it was to me.
Matt
Perhaps the dream was recapitulating your life up till now?
)