Becoming a pharisee

[FallingDeep]

I have decided to change.

I pushed away pretty much everyone that has ever showed me love, compassion and support. Why? Because when I read the bible all I saw was a list of things to do and to be to be holy and ‘good enough’ to God. And anyone who does not fully live to do this was not worth to spend time with, they would ‘spoil’ me and I might even loose my salvation. I cut off my ties with friends that cared for me because they did not believe Jesus is the son of God. I told my parents how ‘bad’ they behave, tried to ‘correct’ my sisters.
In the end I seperated from my boyfriend since he did not want to marry me and has a very ‘worldly’ lifestyle. I was convinced they just love sin and do this on purpose. They reject God, they don’t want his love so they are no good, nether am I when I am around them. I had to stay ‘clean’. I was scared to go to hell with them and imagined how God carefully watched what step I take and if I talk too long to anyone of them. I was scared to enjoy working with unbelievers (as I seek contact due to my isolation from everyone) as I feared God would be full of wrath over that.
I had to dislike everyone, not allowed to love and I became so cold at heart and it killed me inside.
Yet when other believers approached me I felt I am nowhere good enough due to my inner turmoil and that I might spoil them. I was told to not visit a sister anymore until ‘I choose God’s ways and his ways only’ when I was grieving over my relationship.

When I started to come to believe I thought I had 1 task from Jesus: Spread my love. Show them you are ready to serve, to understand, to support unconditionally just as he was nailed to the cross for our salvation purely out of grace. I wanted to show with my lifestyle what Jesus meant to me by simply giving the love I receive away to others so they understand God wants their best and has much in store and it is no lost to leave the world and go with him.
I want to go back to this. It does not mean that I do not care for adultery, lies etc…I do, as I know it is sin and damages my relationship with God, but it is not my task to push away or to correct. Nether is it the ‘fault’ of people that they do not believe as nobody can believe if God does not draw them. It is just not their time. Until then I want to give and care and support again.
I hope that people will have faith in me again and forgive me for my arrogant, judgemental behaviour.

Thank you for reading.

[JasonPratt]

That’s a sober and mature contemplation, FD.

If we managed to help you with that, then yay!

I hope you’re able to hold to this despite further emotional storms (or to regain it once they subside, perhaps), and that it will help you reconnect with your loved ones. And to be a better Christian, too.

Doctrinal accuracy is important and great so far as any of us can get it (I say as the hyper-doctrinaire); but doctrine doesn’t save us from our sins, and it isn’t the main reason we have been created and given to each other and to God (I say as the hyper-doctrinaire. Any other position being an inaccurate doctrine about doctrinal importance, of course. That’s how I avoid becoming a bad Pharisee, by the way.)

[NightRevan]

Agreed, this is both I think a mature response, and is just the right path to follow. And I would advise not listening to any voices that are telling you you are not good enough, or that reject you without compassion and understanding, and have a fear-driven idea of God’s holiness (the Messiah cleansed the leapers, He wasn’t made unclean by them, holiness flows out of Christ releasing and cleansing what He touches, they cannot ever make Him unclean). God isn’t so fragile He needs us to defend either His holiness or His cause, and so leave such words of fear and accusation from others behind and don’t let them take root in your heart, and following this wisdom again, I think you are very much on the right path .