Do you ever feel like God may as well be the Deist clock maker, an apathetic and emotionless deiform? That he’s never around for you when you actually want him? Almost as if he were purposefully taunting you, holding himself away from you like a tyrant saying to a starving man;
“Somewhere in this room is bread for you to eat…I can give it to you, and I know you’re starving, but I’ll let you dredge up every stone, and every beam to try and find it. You might die long before you ever even smell the scent, if it doesn’t go stale on you first. Haha, what fun it shall be to see you desperate…Go forth! Go forth and feed your hunger on the imagination and hope of bread!”
Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty, and thankless because you’re angry at the situation, the starving scenario and the breadless seeking? Thinking to yourself; “Well at least I have the chance to seek bread, at least there is bread, at least he loves me to give me the hope of bread.”
…But deep down inside you’re bitter…violently displeased because it feels like your “relationship” the promise of Christianity has been little more than trying to stay in love with someone whose only conversation with you is through old, dusty, half-encrypted archives of text messages he gave to other people thousands of years ago?
Do you ever find yourself displeased when others belt out their testimony day after day; “Oh how Jesus appeared to me! We spoke for hours! He held me, touched me, embraced me!” Then find yourself guilty because you’d sooner break the neck of the testimony giver than listen to yet another driveling gush story about how God loves them so much more than he seems to love you?
Do you ever find yourself smiling on the outside, but glaring on the inside because people speak in tongues, and prophesy, and fall on the floor, and all of what that is supposed to imply - “the touch of God” - and when you want to experience God like that they tell you “just ask for it” and when you do you’re sitting there like an idiot, because nothing happened?
Do you ever find yourself feeling like God finds pleasure in giving others novel sized words of knowledge, or visitations from prophets, or angels, or what have you - and all you seem to get is a fortune cookie phrase’s worth?
Do you ever feel like you’re “just not being thankful enough” because you actually feel slighted by the complete wealth gap of God-touch in your life compared to others?
Do you ever feel like you shouldn’t even be honest about these feelings, “lest you lose thy reward, or blaspheme”?
Do you ever feel like Heaven is a mockery; feeling like the whole dome of it is made of cruel, frozen iron - delicately painted with prints of soft clouds, draped with gentle silken azure fabric?
Do you ever feel guilty for railing against God in your head, and plotting strange and futile plans - imagining yourself some little insect of a thing charging the gates of Heaven to tear them down and have your audience at last, slaughtering angels if they stood in your way - just to give God a piece of your mind, to see him at last, and throw all of your distaste at how he seemed to never want to show Himself to you, but lavished himself on the whole Earth?
Do you ever feel like the Devil himself, for wanting to see God?
Do you ever find yourself feeling like God is purposefully silent towards you, begrudging to give you ease, or answers - making you wait, and wait, and wait, and wait; wringing you like a worn out rag to squeeze out the very last drop of thankfulness, and worshipfulness - almost as if to make you purchase his blessing with trial after trial - while he throws himself at others freely and with abandon?
Do you ever feel like he gives people exactly what you’ve asked for, and seems to make you scrounge for the hand-me-downs?
Do you ever feel like your whole life is a damning exercise in constantly repeating to yourself; “I trust him, I trust him, I trust him…” like a muttering mantra when you can’t help but notice the growing bitterness against Heaven steeping up inside of you?
Do you ever feel like the one thing you want from God, is the one thing he just won’t give you?
Do you ever feel like God likes to play keep away? When you want it, he won’t give it to you, when you decide you don’t want it, he gives it to you…“maybe”…? Or that he waits until you push down your standards until you go from asking for say…a prayer for gold, to asking for a prayer for bronze?
Do you ever find yourself wanting to back hand other Christians with a large sledge hammer for how thoroughly unhelpful they are, or sycophantically idiotic they can be?
Do you hate how these “Spirit-filled” kings and priests answer every thing with the default "Just give it all to Jesus! 
" or “If you open your Bible…and really study His inerrant, wonderful, beautiful word, and…and…and…if you ask for His Wisdom…and ask for his blessin’ 'pon yer study…He’ll give you alllll the answers you’ll ever need.”
Do you ever find yourself tempted to burn every Bible you own, because you can’t stand how it is little more than a reminder that the closest thing you have to a direct line to God is a bit of canon attributed to be infallible, but constantly fought over, warred over, and weaponised?
Do you ever find yourself wanting to tear yourself apart out of the frustration of being aware of the six billion plus incompatible views, experiences, and epiphanies all competing on a violent war ground each claiming to be the truth? Do you ever find yourself hating the idea that you can’t trust your experiences with God, even if he were willing to give you the experiences you’re wanting to begin with? Because you don’t know whether or not your experience will be any more valid than the nut-case who swears Jesus appeared to her and saved her from Demons masquerading as Aliens and UFO nephilim spirits claiming to be some occultic cosmic ascended masters or what not? Or any more valid than the idiot pastor who sits up there on his pulpit throne and spouts out about how he saw Jesus and had a vision of Eternal Hell if he didn’t preach this or that nonsensical message?
Do you ever feel like all of your faith is the thin veil of a farce? Do you ever feel like the whole world is nothing but a gaggle of ignorant idiocrats - and that you are one of them, and perfectly hopeless in your idiocy? That even if you did have something profoundly true, it would be lost under the garbage of every religion, anti-religion, philosophy, politic, idea, and otherwise?
Do you ever find yourself just plain tired of trying? But knowing…that there isn’t anything but emptiness if you quit?
Do you ever find yourself feeling like the step-child of God, despite all your want to be what you were supposed to be?
Do you ever find yourself hating everything to do with the whole argument surrounding God; hating Atheism just as much as you hate Deism, and Theism of all of their kinds?
Do you ever get to the point, that even if you did finally have that experience with God, it would feel utterly soiled to you because of “how late” he was? Like you’ve been snubbed by your date every time you ask to go out to dinner, and then finally she (or he) shows up, showing up late, and then the dinner only lasts for about five seconds before the date rushes off into the invisible bathroom and leaves you again groping in the hateful darkness and silence for the next thirty years, while all your happily married friends are sugar-vomiting every kind of; “Oh just be patient you silly, you just keep on trusting and it’ll all work out good for you.”
Do you ever feel like God is constantly a day late and a dollar short? Do you ever feel like Satan himself for even thinking the previous phrase? Do you ever feel like you’re caught in some wicked form of irony, where God is like; “Op! Nope…not going to do it now, I was going to give you an audience, but noooooo! You decided to say that…you weren’t perfect in your waiting, so never mind. You lose, good day sir!”
Do you ever feel like you shouldn’t even talk about these problems, because “at least you aren’t starving in Africa” or “At least you aren’t living on the streets”? Do you ever feel like you shouldn’t even talk about these problems because you’re afraid God might get mad at you and make you “starve on the street in Africa”?
Do you ever feel like you just “can’t do a damn thing right, damned if you do - damned if you don’t”?
