Thank you for your kind and helpful comments.
That recording is what I call a guide track (but one that has been given a rough mix for evaluation purposes) - that is, it is the basic track (well 2 tracks - one guitar and one vocal) onto which other voices and instruments will be overlayed (so a work in progress rather than a final piece - for example between verses I am keen to try solo violin). There are vocal harmonies to be applied but I wanted you guys to assess it in its raw and basic form (as even a bad song can be made ok with enough instrumentation and jiggery-pokery )
As you say - the piece is driven by the narrative and for a song it is quite wordy, so partly I’m pushing the limits of the listener by making them focus on the (I hope) poetry and the urgency of the journey to the fatal kiss and the narrator’s decision to submit to his father’s will.
In contrast to the anguish are the reflections on happier times (each based on one of the 5 senses). Do you see those as choruses or do you treat them as the second part of the verse? So do you see the structure as ABAB or AAAA?
That is also partly why (as yet) there is no bridge or middle 8 or the like - it would make an already long piece even longer
I have toyed with the idea of a key change in there somewhere and I agree with you it would be a good variation.
Of course as well this is just one of several dozen songs I have written over the years so the structure of this one is contrasted by many others that do change key, have refrains, go off into different time signatures etc… but it helps so much to get real gut reactions to them from others (as I can spend hours in the studio disappearing up my own backside ).