I have been finding it hard for myself to surrender to God. I have been told the surrender to God is denial or detachment from earthly desires and God alone. But I find that I cannot just get rid of these desires, such as a fulfilling career, the right girl for myself, social justice, freedom from oppression, strong family ties, or beauty. Now I know that these things on their own are never going to be fulfilling, and these things can become idols. And frankly idols are not perfect and can disappoint. I still find myself frustrated if these desires are not fulfilled, and feel the constant need to work to achieve such desires, and refuse to entertain the possibility that I cannot get what I want, or accept things I cannot change. Honestly, the idea of accepting things as they are just because I cannot change them is morally repulsive and feels like selling out and saying might makes right all the while saying yes to evil and no to good.
So I feel like I would be only surrendering to God in order to get something in return. But this is not true surrender. It seems like true surrender is for God alone. But I am not sure if I can get to this point. This seems like I am being asked to just detach from all earthly desires. But I dont know if I can do this. We on one hand hear Jesus calling for self denial to God alone, yet we also hear Jesus saying to seek the kingdom of God and all things will be added, or to ask anything in the fathers name. This seems like a conundrum that God is not in competition with the created, and will give us worldly blessings, yet at the same time is asking us to seek out God for the sake of himself, while offering worldly appeals.