Hi HopesForUR
Welcome to the forum. I was sad and glad when I read your past. Sad because my heart went out to you. I went through an almost identical experience to yours, drifted away from the faith for a few years, became pretty much an apostate. Then I was drawn back, starting going to church again, full of renewed faith and joy. Until one day, ‘surfing’ the Bible, I stumbled across the passages you quote. And I was panic stricken.
I was in such terror that those verses applied to me, and that I was therefore doomed to eternal damnation, that my parents had to arrange for me to see a pastor friend for counselling. Eventually, by God’s grace, the pastor’s kindness and a lot of Bible study, prayer and contemplation, I came to realise how absurd that whole idea was. The NT is full of unequivocal statements of God’s merciful, forgiving love. Over and over we are reassured by Jesus Himself. John 6:37, for example - “whoever comes to me I will never cast out”.
The great George MacDonald calls the idea that anyone can ever fall so far as to be beyond God’s mercy and forgiveness a “doctrine of devils”. And no less a giant of the faith than CS Lewis talked quite openly of his own youthful apostasy, from which he was gloriously restored by God.
And so I was glad when I read your post because suddenly all that pain and fear I went through had a meaning, a reason. If my testimony is of any help and comfort to you at all, which I pray it might be, then it will all have been worth it. God never creates our darkness, but He often uses it for good. And so in your present angst you have helped me too, helped me to lay an old ghost finally to rest.
I’m sure one of the scholars here will help you out with a detailed exegetical explanation of those verses - which were specifically written to Jews, don’t forget. But I am in absolutely no doubt whatsoever that they don’t mean what you’re worrying they might mean. If they did, that would make Jesus a liar, and that cannot be.
So please please don’t worry anymore friend. We all of us go through periods of doubt, denial even. Peter denied Jesus three times - and Jesus made Him the rock on which he founded His church. And of course, Jesus Himself cried out on the cross, “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” That single verse alone demolishes the very idea that God would somehow hold us permanently accountable for any temporary loss of faith.
Look forward to getting to know you.
All the best
Johnny