Just thought I’d share that my sister married a man with a very serious personality disorder, also likely bipolar, and had been through a difficult childhood. He was very emotionally abusive, which my sister says hurt her more than any physical scar ever could. She was terrorized just the same. She really went thru an ordeal! He was also violent at times, kicking her out of bed, trying to smother her with pillows, telling her he’d cut the unborn baby out of her stomach, and threatening to throw her out of the window of their 10 plus story apartment when they lived alone (as missioanries!) in Turkey. For years I wanted to see her get out, but she always stuck it out, partly out of fear, lack of help, and a lot because she really loved. I even helped her leave once and she went back within the mos. Help was hard to find, especially in the church and circumstances made her feel like she had to return to him. I was so sad. It seemed like there was no hope of ever getting out.
Then, last year, after seeing a Christian counselor, she began to become convinced that this relationship was devastating for her two sons. All she ever wanted to do was whatever was in their best interest. She tried to leave peacefully, but, he got violent, took her car keys, cell phone, backed her into a corner, threatened to hurt her, and threw something at her. She ran to the neighbor’s house and called me in a panic, while her 5 year old looked on. She didn’t want to call the church for help, but I convinced her it was worth a shot. The person she got, familiar with her situation having counseled them before (they’d had plenty of drama, of course), asked her if she hadn’t learned her lesson about confronting her husband and how was it all working out for her? That, when she was standing in a stranger’s home, crying out for help! Still amazes me. He was the trained person on staff at a very popular mega church to help women in these situations?! She hung up on him and called me back. I was busily calling shelters to seek advice about what she should do. They all said she needed to call the police. Finally, after much coaxing from me, not wanting to ruin her husband’s name, she got up the nerve to call. As a result, a cop, that she calls an angel to this day, encouraged her to get out, that it would be hard, but he’d seen enough of these situations to know it’d lead to much worse if she stayed.
Her husband had emptied their bank account, but, thankfully, was talked into giving her some space,not returning to their home for a few days, by the church counselor. So terrorized she spent her tax savings, kept under her bed so her husband couldn’t spend it,on a motel room for her and her two children. (None of this, btw, captures the real horror and dread of this day and many others!)She decided to write out her story, a total of 6 pages and only a fraction of what she had endured the 12 years she was married, and give it to the church counselor, figuring it might help him understand. The next day he showed up on her door step with a note about why it’s never ok to divorce. She was not even using that word.
The church made it extremely hard for her. She had to distance herself from them in order to allow herself to be safe and free. I’d never seen a better example of love than I did from her, who for all those years, and, even as she was going thru all of this, continued to desire health for her family and husband.
She was able to secure an apartment, work to support her two sons with almost no help from her husband. He plummeted into drugs - cocaine even, participated in orgies and parties he threw at his apartment (where he was suppose to be having visitation with his sons!), began dating a girl for 6 mos. and eventually moved in with her. He attempted suicide last October, almost died, but my sister showed up to take him to the hospital, where he preceded to berate her. The worst was he threatened to kill her, asked his mother (a former gang member) if she knew anyone that could take care of her.
For a while my sister thought she would just remain married, though never return. She knew going back was not a possibility as she could never trust him, the situation always turned volatile and the relationship dynamic was very unhealthy. If even he’d change it was only for a while, true reformation required years and years, if not a life-time of work. Try explaining this to the church that thought God could change her husband in an instant, if only he’d choose.
As time went on she longed for healthy companionship, someone that would really love her. Her husband was content to keep her, control her, and seek/love with other women, but she wanted a divorce. The church was very against this sort of thing. Although, after counseling her husband, they got a pretty good feel for what she’d been through and how dismal it all seemed. And they endured only a few mos.! In tears she pleaded with the church to understand that she wanted to be free!
God saw her need, heard her prayers, and answered the next day with more than she could ever imagine. She’d written a fb status that she felt like she was running life in waist deep mud. The first person to respond was an old friend, also a previous missionary to Turkey, whose wife had left him several years before. He commiserated with her about life being difficult. They corresponded for a while and very soon the friendship turned into a desire to be married. They didn’t know how. He lived in another state, had children, and neither could leave. They prayed.
Tragicly, early this year, her husband ended his life. There was a shot gun nearby, one he didn’t use on himself. It could have been much worse. While we are sad for the outcome, we know that God protected my sister and provided her and her boys with a new start and chance to break the cycle of abuse. The church may not understand, but God does and he provided a way out.
I am so thankful to know the God I know today, be convinced that God will not give up on my brother-n-law. He was sick, but God is bigger than all of his pain.
