Hi, Michael
I hope I can say something that could be a comfort to you, as I can imagine how difficult and discouraging your situation must be. I took care of my grandfather during his last years, and then helped my mom take care of my dad, and now I’m taking care of my mom, who is also losing her mental acuteness. At first I thought, “My whole life is taking care of sick, confused people,” and thought, “things will get better once I get through this”, and then the next one, and then the next. Now I realize that this is just going to be a large part of what my life IS about, and if that’s the way Father wants it, well, it isn’t very exciting, but it’s needed and it’s the way of love. If that’s where God has put me, then that’s where I’ll be.
On the up side, He did heal me from lifelong depression, February of this year. That was huge. Why did He let me struggle with it for so long, though? He knows, and I’m sure He has His reasons for whatever fires He allows us to be forged in.
I’ve come to (I hope) the place of that weaned child, and I’m content to know that whatever I may feel at any given moment, I’m in His arms and I can be content and quiet. I don’t know how much experience you may have had with nursing babies, but if they’re awake, it seems they can never be quiet and peaceful for long in Mama’s arms. They sense that this is the place they get fed and comforted thereby and if they’re awake, they’re always rooting around and restless even when they’re nursing. They’re pushing with their little hands and feet, turning their heads, and so on. Never really at peace. But when they’re weaned, it’s as if they’ve been given permission to rest. They’re not looking for food from that same source and they can relax and enjoy Mama’s nearness.
But anyway, it looks like I went off on a tangent. I’ll leave it though, in case it helps in any way . . .
Regarding chance and randomness and such things . . . that subject gets a little technical for me. But it seems a little like art. I know there are going to be random elements in any work of art – elements that I may not be able to (or may not desire to) control. It’s possible that they’ll be detrimental, but usually I can work around them, undo them, alter them, or enhance them so that they add to the beauty and interest of the piece. Maybe they don’t look so good at first, and someone who looks at the work in progress MAY see disturbing patterns, but they don’t mean anything. That’s just the way the glaze went on the pot. It will look completely different once it’s fired.
I think maybe Father does something like this, too. There is the question of how a God who knows everything can even HAVE randomness, but I think that to a certain degree He can. He can splatter the paint with the toothbrush, and even if He knows exactly where every droplet will go, perhaps He doesn’t need to actively control its landing spot and perhaps He chooses not to.
Is the randomness designed to test us? Ehh, I don’t know – could be – but I tend to think it’s more just background noise. The background noise can help us to sharpen our attention, to teach us to hear His voice even over the babble of the world. The noise in itself may have little significance, but just its presence can still be a training tool. Like a child learning to tune out the household noise as he studies.
I think that there are certain things that work, and once God set down the rules, He had to work within them or start all over again with different rules. Perhaps in order to create the best possible world in which a) all are ultimately reconciled, b) all have freedom of choice, c) the least possible amount of suffering is experienced, and d) as many as possible are matured into firstfruits – mature sons and daughters of God able to minister His love to younger brethren (and other considerations, no doubt), God had to accept a certain amount of temporary frustration and suffering. Perhaps the suffering is even a part of the tempering process by which His children grow up in Christ.
Perhaps it isn’t even possible to produce mature, strong, character-filled offspring without allowing them to undergo some degree of struggle, hardship and suffering.
So, I think that the so-called random elements may be just that – random side-stories that don’t have a lot of meaning. They’re just artifacts of the creative process – scraps of wall board, left-over dried up crumbles of clay, drops of paint on the table, flour and a stray chocolate chip on the kitchen counter. These things tell us that a creative process is happening or has happened here, and the mess has yet to be cleaned up. I don’t think that every little thing has a deep meaning, or even necessarily much of a meaning at all.
What’s more, I don’t see any reason to suppose that these random bits are even put there to test or confuse us. They’re just part of the mess of creation. While God probably COULD control every minute aspect of creation, I suspect that He doesn’t do that in all (or possibly even most) cases. When I paint a picture or make a loaf of bread or build a piece of pottery, it’s an adventure. I do not, nor do I desire to control every aspect of the creative process. Every time I make something, it will be different from every other time, and I like that. If there are problems, I work around them, and usually the work turns out the better for that.
Every bump in the road changes the path I will travel and as a result the finished product will have its own individual presence. I don’t control the process; I dance with it. I think Father does that, too. If we take a wrong turn here or there, He will turn it into a new path of learning to know Him, and we will be a slightly different person than we would have been otherwise. Father isn’t interested in clones. I believe the randomness is one tool in His kit to make of each of us a unique and unpredictable masterpiece.
But are we supposed to be guided by randomness? No. This I absolutely KNOW. We are supposed to be guided by our Father. He said He would hold the hand of His Messiah and guide Him. And we are His body. He does the same for us as a body, and for each member of the body. He holds our hand and guides us, whether we are able to sense it or not.
And now we get into the area of faith. I believe that faith is our interface with God. Without faith it is impossible to please Him because without faith, it is impossible to KNOW Him. He gives us the faith, possibly not when we think we’re ready for it, but when He KNOWS we’re ready for it. When it is the right time, He gives to all people the measure of faith so that we CAN know Him. For some, that is sooner, and for others later, but He will make it good for ALL. And if we ask Him for faith (or even for a desire for faith), I do think that makes a difference, especially if we are persistent.
We don’t need faith to study the molecular structure of a bean. We can see and surmise and reason out things that we can touch and sense in the material world. We can’t do that with God. We have to use spiritual senses, and these work through the conduit of faith. We can’t drum up faith on our own, either. He will give it to us at the right time.
As to why He tests our faith, I think that may be a matter of semantics. The word “test” has far more than the meaning we commonly attach to it. It really carries more of the sense of tempering steel or checking the pitch of a guitar string, or measuring the temperature of fermenting wine, or trying a sugar syrup to see if it can form a string yet. He is developing and maturing and refining our faith – not just giving us an achievement test. “The trying of your faith works patience; but let patience have her perfect work in you that you might be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”
So . . . I have no idea whether this is what you need to hear, Michael, but please know that I offer it to you with my sincere prayers for your well-being as well as that of all whom you love.
Blessings and peace,
Cindy