I have doubts all the time. But, as someone pointed out to me a long time ago, that the opposite of faith isn’t doubt.
Doubting is perfectly rational and normal. I doubt because I see such evil in the world. I wonder, where is God? Where is God when someone who is innocent is tortured to death? Where is He?
There must be something we don’t know. In fact, there must be a lot we don’t know. This is why I honestly believe being an agnostic is the only true position we can hold. Beyond that, the rest is speculation and personal experience. We are truly ignorant in this world. Unfortunately, many don’t believe that and think that believing boldly, proclaiming it over and over makes them true and resilient. Maybe resilient, but not true. True is true in the end, and we won’t know it until we experience it. We can believe it, we can have faith in it, but we can’t be certain until it comes to pass.
I have hope that God will work everything out in the end. I don’t have control over life as much as I think I do. I am but an animal at best… But I am God’s animal. I am created by God and therefore, I must server some purpose, as does all of his creation. I don’t know what the purpose is, but long to know what it is.
I doubt God because he obviously created a void in me that longs to be filled with something, even God, but can’t seem to get it filled. There is such dissatisfaction in my soul that can only be temporary relieved through temporal things. Hobbies, Pleasure, etc… But the void still exists. It is like starvation of the soul. Yet, these things can’t be forced. Once can’t say as many suppose and claim “I surrender God”… Done that, and it is but temporary at best. The void is still there and yet God won’t fill it. This is what causes doubt in people. Yet, I have faith that God will fill it and in the end everything will work out. His timing, not mine. I have learned not to force anything. I can’t force my relationship with God. It doesn’t work. It isn’t based on my will, but His.
My theory is that God won’t force himself on anyone, nor will he answer some magical prayer like “Lord, make me your slave” as if he will all of a sudden change you will because you asked for it. Could it happen that way? I suppose it could. But, my theory is that God waits until we have exhausted every other possible resources and come to our sense that he is truly the giver of life. This has to be experienced and cannot be willed into place, in my opinion. I think our union with God happens as a result of him letting us work these things out on our own.
The important thing for me as a Universalist is that God has no ill will towards us. I believe whatever happens, happens because it is the best way way. To second guess God would claim to have the knowledge of God. However, that doesn’t mean that just because someone says God does a thing that he does in fact do it. Many give God attributes that are unlike God and cause me to revolt. So either those things are not true, or God does not possess those evil attributes, or what I perceive to be evil.
In the end, all I think is this: God is good. I need not fear as an evil dictator. I might not like what he is doing to me at the time, but I believe in the end everything will pan out. That is indeed wishful thinking, but isn’t all faith wishful? As I mentioned, we can’t be certain, despite some people claiming otherwise.