EdwardTulane82: I can really relate to that… this is what I tried to do for years when I was part of a Baptist church myself.
I saw glimmers of goodness and love in the Bible and in the church, in nature and art and stories and experiences and people, and tried to hold onto those glimmers, even though there were things that I didn’t perceive to be good or loving in things that I would read in the Bible or that were taught in the church, etc.
And those glimmers gave me enough to keep going, but sometimes the fears and doubts would get the better of me, and bring me either to rage or despair or both; cussing out God, and accusing Him of being a massively selfish ego maniacal tyrant, a heartless monster who just made us for sport, or tearing myself apart, hating myself for being so messed up, physically and verbally abusing myself until I was exhausted, crying out for help to a good and loving God I wanted so much to believe was there…
And a lot of my struggle had to do with trying to assimilate and accept traditional theologies, trying to accept certain passages from the Bible, or to accept certain things that many within the institutional church taught, through the radio, TV, books, tracts, etc.
And yet those glimmers of light and hope contradicted the doom and gloom message of bad news inherent in fundamentalist Christianity, the monstrous God propagandized as worthy of our trust and affection. They pointed to something better, something brighter… so I wrestled deeply, going back and forth between faith and doubt, between fear and trust, trying to hold on and feel my way along, looking for what I was longing and aching for… for something worth believing in.
Here’s a poem I wrote during that time that may illustrate some of my struggle, and hope:
Outside The Box
Wrath, like a rusty knife,
cuts heavy the heavyhearted,
and what this is,
and where I stand,
I don't know.
There is this wall of fear,
and walls of holiness,
crushing, crashing waters,
of what seems a cruel and crazed perfection
before me...
Yet in my hands, just
a grain of sand,
shimmering, but uncertain,
like a sparkle of hope, from
outside the box,
like a low note,
from some half-forgotten song
that once moved the soul
of a wayward child,
long ago,
and now today...
There is an old book,
and a young heart,
and are they at odds,
do they crash and collide?
A stone face arises like a horror
in my mind, and I lash out
to break it into pieces,
but it grows in verses
and in fears,
and where can I run?
But I hear a song,
a song of longing,
warm like blood, like love,
and a name...
And so I carry this grain of sand
(or is it a cross?)
in my aching hands,
and can the message given be true,
be like an open sea, beautiful?
Is this the good news?
Am I alone,
at the 5th floor balcony door,
or am I not alone?
Do I weep on my own,
as I dream of falling,
or am I wept for,
and caught by passion?
Home so far,
behind these walls,
there beyond
the borders
of the box,
outside,
the facts
and the figures,
would crumble in a moment of truth,
young men be humbled,
and old men be healed,
murderous rage
quelled in a great calm,
and cold we thought, but
the fire is warm
in the early morning, and
a man bears the scars
of our wounds
and we don't know,
but he does,
and we wonder,
and we hope,
as we walk along
the shore of our waiting,
waiting...
And we hold on,
and he holds on,
to home, to home,
hold on...
I guess I was experiencing some kind of spiritual schizophrenia, where maybe I was hoping that the kindness of God would save me from the wrath of God, that Dr. Jekyll would save me from Mr. Hyde, that Jesus would save me from his abusive Father, or something like that, though not exactly, or at least at the time that’s not how I thought about it…
Sometimes, like you, I tried to give God the benefit of the doubt, tried to trust that there were answers to my questions, ‘answers with good in them, with love in them’, as I once wrote in my journal, but other times I just couldn’t suppress those questions, and they consumed me…
About a year before I read Love Wins, I’d come to the place where I had kind of become comfortably numb…
I didn’t wrestle as intensely anymore.
Looking back, maybe as some kind of coping mechanism I had put many of my questions on the back-burner, trying to ignore them, but I felt like something was missing, so I went back to some of the writers who had originally inspired me to give the Christian faith another shot (I had briefly explored it in my latter years of high school, but grew disillusioned and walked away from it up until my mid twenties), one of which was Rob Bell (I was a fan of his first book, Velvet Elvis), whose Love Wins was being hotly debated at the time.
I started watching his NOOMA videos and reading his other books, then eventually dared to read Love Wins, even though many were saying it was ‘heretical’ and all of that…
I resonated a lot with what he said. The kinds of questions he asked were the kinds of questions I carried inside of me and many of which I’d asked, and the vision of God he painted was the kind I longed and ached to embrace and believe.
His book didn’t answer all my questions, but it gave me the courage to keep asking questions, to keep an open mind, and to go deeper… which eventually led me to where I am today.
At thirty years old now, I still have my struggles, with old weaknesses and sometimes with doubts about everything from whether UR is true or whether God even exists, wondering whether I’m deceived or crazy, but I keep going, and still because of those glimmers of light and hope… it’s just now I feel that there’s more hope not only for me but also for my family and friends and for everyone, and I feel like I have more freedom to explore, to ask questions, to wonder, and without fear of getting in trouble with God for not ‘believing all the right things’… and hey, a God whose love for us was based on whether or not we had all the right beliefs, about Him or whatever, wouldn’t be a God worth banking on anyway.
I need to believe in a God who is trustworthy, who is good, and not by some wacko standards where He says ‘Do what I say and not what I do’, demanding trust and worship while carrying a big stick of eternal damnation, but rather trustworthy, truly trustworthy, in a way that I, or that even a child, could appreciate, and wrap their heart and mind around.
It’s not that I’m asking for a Santa Claus God who is all sunshine and rainbows and fluffy bunnies, but I need to believe that God is Someone who will never give up on me, or on anyone, that it’s really true when the Bible says that nothing is too hard for Him, including saving every soul from brokenness and darkness, and that it’s really true when it says that His love never fails, and not even death is stronger than that love…
If I’m to believe in God at all, then I need to believe in a God like that, or at in the least in the possibility of a God like that, for my own sanity.
I can understand the thought that maybe on the other side He would explain something like ECT, but I think there is no way to explain it, outside of admitting that there are just some things He can’t do for His creation, or that His love does indeed fail in some cases… the only way ECT could be true in my mind at this point is if God broke some of His promises, which, needless to say, would be terrible 
So, rather than assuming the worst, I take the evidence and the experience I’ve had that points me to a good God, towards a God who is Love, towards a God with whom all things are possible, who is a Father to all, including you and me, and I bank on that, rather than on the God of tradition, or even the God of the Bible (or at least the Bible as it is usually interpreted) because if I’m to believe in any God at all, I have to believe in a God who is way bigger than our popular religious ideas or even bigger than an old book that people have been arguing about for millenia…
But this is where I’m at, and not everyone has come to the place that I have where they openly admit that they just believe what they want to believe, what makes sense to them and gives them hope, and regardless of what others think, but then that’s okay.
We’re all on a different journey, each of us, though I do believe in my heart that all of us will end up in the same place, namely in our Father’s arms.
Just keep asking questions, sister, and hold to that conviction deep within you that there really is a good God, who is truly trustworthy and whose way is real, and unfailing, love, and who is our hope, our future, and our home.
Blessings to you and peace 
Matt
Trust God to keep on for everyone until He brings us all to righteousness, however long it takes, and keep an eye out for ways to help with that yourself. 
But then I’m the one being the ungracious sinner.)